So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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