Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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