when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
