At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
