Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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