If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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