He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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