Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
