Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize