I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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