Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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