I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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