He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
