Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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