Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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