Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
