Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
