let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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