Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
