you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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