I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
