I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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