T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
