i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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