Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
