I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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