I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
