I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
