I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can I color on your dick again?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
