so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
