He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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