so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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