he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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