I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
