"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
