she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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