I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
