Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
