ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize