Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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