Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
