Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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