we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
