Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
