I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
