then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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