Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
