I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
