The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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