so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
