i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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