Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
