All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize