Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
that may or may not have been my penis.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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