If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
