Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
