she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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