I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
