hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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