Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize