atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
